The Unpublished Love Letter
This letter-post has actually been sitting in my blog draft from 2016 until 2018. I secretly updated every paragraph, only to note that there were so many miserable events happening when I missed you during those time spans.
During our break, it was actually the times when I felt so lonely, unheard, unloved, and I sank into despair.
My dear, I'm still learning in figuring out what a relationship is because I've really never excelled in any relationship since I've heard too much brokenhearted, unfaithful, and sad love stories.
Please, you have my promise, I'm fixing myself from time to time.
This post is dedicated to you, the one who always keeps me accompanied and happy. I am ugly without you; I was so foolish and sad to know what I did and to what I've been feeling and all the struggles
Babe, although we currently are together again and wishing to have a happy ending, here I present you, if you happen to read this, the sad stories from the saddest epoch of my life:
(Soundtrack bonus: Coldplay - Charlie Brown) By the way, I've loved Coldplay since I could remember. The only songs that I hear frequently. I never regret dedicating the whole albums to my loved one.
My Dear significant other,
2016 was our special year; it was the time when we both entered our new phase of life, moved on to our new adventure. I was beyond happy for you and for myself. I was a proud person knowing you finally succeed in escaping your old trap.
You know what? I loved seeing you in your new Germany shirt. You looked so nice and neat. You could always buy your own pair of jeans and Dr. Martens :D
But Babe, I knew it's going to get harder. I just knew it; my gut said so. We were thousand-miles apart, not only physically, but the feeling has got wider and burdening. For me, the more I think about you, the bigger the struggle to accept what is actually happening. I loved it that you make friend, I hope they are the nice ones; I'm praying they won't betray you and be sincere to you <3.
*
I know that I've never told you this - well, no one so far, tho. I have such a terrible childhood; dealing with parents' divorce, all the cheating dramas, and all dark memories. For me, you are the cure. The only cure that I can rely on. You awaken me in almost my sad times; you bring laughter to my devastated mind.
It's crazy, but I need to tell you this. Sometimes, I wish you were my father. I wish you were married to my mom so that I could have such a loving Father with the warmest hug and the prettiest smile I can ever have, I wish we will never be apart.
*
Sorry for yelling at you; I knew that it was just because of a simple mistake. I am over jealous, but I'm too ashamed to tell it to you. I am always afraid that I'm not good enough. Deep inside, it's the fear of losing you controlling my devastated mind.
*
Let's meet in Istanbul, shall we? :)
Oh wait, don't. We'd better save our money for our future, right.
*
Honey, the insecurity is getting real. It has lingered and got much stronger. I think way too far; this overthinking mind just can't be stopped. But I'm trying so hard not to hurt you anymore. I'm pretending that I will never care about your life anymore. I don't know if it is the right decision to make, but I am scared if my mind hurts you even more.
I fully understand that now I cannot force you to tell me whatever thing happens; with whom you're talking to, or with whom you're hanging out with. I respect your privacies, of course. I respect the way you carve your own path. Sorry that I accidentally went through your iCloud. It wasn't my mistake, after all. You linked it to my device. So whose fault? :p The girl looked ugly. You deserve better, always.
*
2017 has got me really hard. I have been so sure that it is time to leave you, although I really wished that you are my future. But I've been hurt so bad. I love you so that I hurt myself. I reject all the positivities entering my body by yelling and being mad at you, for no reason. This is way too crazy, I can't even handle myself. I don't know what is happening to me. Although I know that you still take care and love me, only I can't really accept it. I hope you are not scared of me, I hope that you will still take care of me. I am sorry for doing such uncontrollable things. I have hurt you :(
*
April 2017, a month after your birthday. I consciously miss it. I know yet I don't care. Hey Dear, please blame my insecurity and jealousy which are hurting me right now. I hate it. I hate to know that you are going out with heaven-knows who she is - it's ok to have a little dirty secret, my love. In the picture, you looked so beautiful and happy, of course with that loving smile. You know what, I always love your smile. Always do. Is she your new SO? You won't tell me, it's ok. Please understand that I don't bear to even look at your picture. It hurts me. I wish I could block you on Facebook.
*
Hey! It's July and I am in Paris! Yesterday, I watched Coldplay. I almost touched Chris Martin's hand! I just couldn't believe it. Babe, I love Coldplay as much as I love you. Coldplay sucks without you, for real.
Earlier this morning, I walked down the path in Paris. If you want to know, I love Paris so much. This is my favorite town ever. I love hearing the sandy path walk and I love seeing the Parisian guys as well haha. They are terribly good looking, I can't handle my eyes. Anyways, I pray that you will have time to come over with me. We can have a nice cup of tea, seating under the tower of Eiffel. Ah, one silly prayer last night was I wish you become a big boss of the company, so you can visit me more often. hahaha. Child of the capitalist.
But wait, who's the other girl that you're talking to? Saw it on Facebook. This time, I'm unfriending you for sure. Sorry.
*
Honey, we talked again and you were being so silly last night. You got lost in Japan. You were so hilarious, I laughed my ass off. You told me that it was my fault, although I did everything I could. I guess it was you who couldn't read maps. LOL.
I love you.
That's it.
*
Babe. Something unbelievably bad just happened to me. Some say that history repeats itself; it's true. The memories of my childhood trauma haven't even been healed, yet it happens again. With the exact same story plot. I was totally clueless. I was scared. I pretended that I enjoyed every single thing happening to me, in fact I did not. I am still scared. I need you, please defend me. Please protect me.
Babe. It happened early in the morning. Perhaps, it's midnight at your place. I reckon that you are back in Indo. Babe, I wanted to call you. But I know you won't have any good phone reception at your place. You won't receive my call at the time.
It added another layer to my stressed mind.
Babe, I have protected myself ever since I was a kid. Too many bad things happened to me. Too dark and too many. You want to know something? I remember the first time we dated. There were some small gentle gestures that you did to me as if you protected me from harm. From that point on, I felt so happy and was so sure that you could give me protection. You are healer to my traumas.
Now I cry so bad that I wet my winter scarf. I am currently on a bus on my trip to Berlin. I need you so bad right now.
*
March 2018. It's your birthday. I don't want to greet you because I'm that bad and that terrible. You know it? Unlove me please. I'm mean. Totally mean.
*
Mid 2018, you totally stopped contacting me. I am so happy, but sad at the same time. I always hope it's you when my phone rings, but it isn't you. Do you really have a new life? How does it look like? I hope the girl doesn't hurt you like I do. You know what? I miss the old you, dear. I miss when you made me the prettiest; I miss the way you convinced me that I was the only one; I miss when you told me that you really wanted to cry and needed me so bad; I miss the way you told me every single thing, even when a girl who had crush on you:p ; I miss the way we talked and shared each other dream; I miss when you told me that you would never let me go, ever. It was so shooting and relieving. You are really my sunshine to my winter.
By the way, dear, I have tried to move on. I really did. So hard. Too hard, that I almost hurt myself. I regret telling you to stay away, but I know it's for our own sake. You deserve someone special, better than me. A person who never fails you or puts you down like I always do. You deserve to fly high, higher than anybody else who ever underestimated you, higher and further than your successful friends. You have your bright future even if it is without me. Because I believe in you, as I always do. My prayer is always for you, ever since I met you.
Don't you worry about me. I am focusing on my thesis at the time. I am being fully distracted with all the journals and books. I am glad, actually, that my old me is back. The one who is strong and never wanting to give up; the old me who doesn't want to stop learning. I am glad that I make it this far. Thank you.
*
I hope you are doing fine out there. I can't hold my tears on this lonely night. I miss you.
I believe in you babe. You will outshine. My prayers are always for you. Don't worry.
*
Babe, I have an anxiety attack. It's midnight. I can't talk. Nothing comes out, not a single voice. No, it's not because of you. You've done me so well. It's just my mind wanders way too far. I am worried about my future, babe. I am worried how if I fail my study; how if I dissatisfy my parents; how if I can never be normal again. What do I have to do? Why can't I hear my own voice? I tried to scream but there's no sound. Help!
*
Anyways dear, I'm doing fine.
I tried to look for somebody else. I tried too hard so that I'm convinced no one is like you. I value every single time we had. You turned me into a better adult. Please forgive me. (I can always Whatsapp or Facebook you this, but I just don't want to hurt myself even more)
My prayer tonight is expecting you to be healthy and happy. I want you to ease your own pain and not to be worried about the future. It's all gonna be so well. I believe in you.
*
Dear, I met a very nice guy on a trip. We exchanged phone numbers. He's a sociologist (working on his doctoral) but is really interested in veterinary. Weird, isn't it? We talked until I almost missed my stop, but don't worry I got it haha. He's mature and loves his family. Just like you, right? I want to know him even more because he is so nice. So don't ever be worried about me. I can handle it well, I guess.
*
"How to undelete phone contact?" - my recent google search. I am a fool. I wasn't supposed to delete the German guy. I was supposed to delete the other annoying Indonesian who was stalking me all day long.
Anyway, how are you today? Last night, I saw you on my dream. Even in my dream, I pray for you. I want you to be successful, because I believe in you. I believe you are stronger now to fight all of dramas constraining you from building a better future.
*
My love, please improve your English. I hate it when you can't really differentiate past and present verbs. But it's nice to know that you now speak Vietnamese too, so proud of you babe. Just so you know that I really pray for you every single night, every single day, every single time I remember you. I guess my prayers are heard. I know that you're doing totally fine out there. I know that you're having so much fun. Even I know that you built your parents' house. SO COOL!
I just want to tell you that I still love you. I wish telling you my feeling in person was easy, as easy as it used to be.
*
Hi babe. How are you? You must be doing so good. Last night I pray for you. I really want you to be happy and enjoying your time. I want you to have so much fun and don't feel lonely and left out. I want you to have much money, as much as you can.
Today I submitted my thesis. I don't tell you, because I don't want you to know; in fact, I'm just gonna ruin everything that you have built so far. Every time we talk, the only thing that I want to ask is who is your girlfriend, did you get drunk, or have you forgot about me. And if you say yes to it all, I will constantly hurt myself. I hate it.
Although we don't talk anymore, I dedicate my thesis to you. On the very front page, I write:
"for Parents, Sisters, and Best Friends"
The only best friends that come to my mind are you and my two other supporting girls.
*
August 2018. You forgot about my birthday. It's my karma.
I will have my exam this month, please give me good karma. Pray for me, dear.
*
September 2018. I'm coming back to Indonesia. I'm doing fine.
I hope we won't meet at the airport. I hope.
*
November 2018. I miss you so bad.
Oh by the way, forgot to mention. Since last year, you always came to my dream. Every single night. Isn't it annoying? You seem so close, but I can't reach you. You look so pretty but it's blurry. I can't feel your warmth anymore.
But today, you fly me to the moon babe. I really want to hear your voice and you message me. Really, it's the happiest time of the year. I want you to marry me and that's all. Please be aware.
*
December 2018. I regret responding to your messages. I am too selfish. I am sorry. Please forgive me, my beautiful soul. I'm deleting Whatsapp, Facebook messanger, your emails, linkedin, and whatever it is.
I know I'm gonna feel lonely, but the only way to heal it is to remember you in my prayers. It's the only way to calm my nerves and ease my burden. Because God will always hear me and I believe He will protect you.
*
My dear love,
You are no longer mine. You are a free bird now. You won't have my anger anymore. You won't feel so stressed about me asking you to tell me your daily agenda.
But dear, you will always have my prayer. It's the only thing I can do to ease my pain. I miss you so badly.
I pray every single time for you, nothing but happiness and good health for you. Always be the light to your family. They love you; they are your true love as they won't ever hurt you like I do.
The hate that I love you so so much that it is hard to handle; it hurts me so bad.
*
Dear,
I want to have a happy family. I want to live together with a person that I love, as much as I love you, and I want him to love me back, as much as you love me. Nothing is so beautiful than your stories and your laughs.
*
Babe,
If I have time to be with you again, I do really want it. Please forgive me for being so naive and neglecting all your scarification.
I will pay anything to be with you again. I want to spend the rest of my life seeing you. I want to be ugly with you. I want to stick with you. I promise myself to fix whatever hurting you.
Believe me, nothing is wrong with you, it's just me. Do you want to know the truth? You have never been wrong. Never.
I've felt so lonely and left out. I am depressed. Sometimes, I need people to hear me. But the only good listener is you. and now you are far away. Thus, I know the only way to get your attention is by making a fuss. By crying and blaming you on everything. I am sorry. truly sorry.
It's never been your fault. It's mine.
Believe me, babe. You have never been wrong. I am just nuts; it's me who makes you feel that way. I carve for too much attention from you so that I act like an annoying kid. I know that makes you feel so bad.
My mind is hurting you and me. You are unbelievably pretty. Your hug is the warmest. Your voice is shooting.
2018 is closing its story, I still can do nothing but pray for your success. Please be happy.
Love you, always do,
Icha.
During our break, it was actually the times when I felt so lonely, unheard, unloved, and I sank into despair.
My dear, I'm still learning in figuring out what a relationship is because I've really never excelled in any relationship since I've heard too much brokenhearted, unfaithful, and sad love stories.
Please, you have my promise, I'm fixing myself from time to time.
This post is dedicated to you, the one who always keeps me accompanied and happy. I am ugly without you; I was so foolish and sad to know what I did and to what I've been feeling and all the struggles
Babe, although we currently are together again and wishing to have a happy ending, here I present you, if you happen to read this, the sad stories from the saddest epoch of my life:
(Soundtrack bonus: Coldplay - Charlie Brown) By the way, I've loved Coldplay since I could remember. The only songs that I hear frequently. I never regret dedicating the whole albums to my loved one.
My Dear significant other,
2016 was our special year; it was the time when we both entered our new phase of life, moved on to our new adventure. I was beyond happy for you and for myself. I was a proud person knowing you finally succeed in escaping your old trap.
You know what? I loved seeing you in your new Germany shirt. You looked so nice and neat. You could always buy your own pair of jeans and Dr. Martens :D
But Babe, I knew it's going to get harder. I just knew it; my gut said so. We were thousand-miles apart, not only physically, but the feeling has got wider and burdening. For me, the more I think about you, the bigger the struggle to accept what is actually happening. I loved it that you make friend, I hope they are the nice ones; I'm praying they won't betray you and be sincere to you <3.
*
I know that I've never told you this - well, no one so far, tho. I have such a terrible childhood; dealing with parents' divorce, all the cheating dramas, and all dark memories. For me, you are the cure. The only cure that I can rely on. You awaken me in almost my sad times; you bring laughter to my devastated mind.
It's crazy, but I need to tell you this. Sometimes, I wish you were my father. I wish you were married to my mom so that I could have such a loving Father with the warmest hug and the prettiest smile I can ever have, I wish we will never be apart.
*
Sorry for yelling at you; I knew that it was just because of a simple mistake. I am over jealous, but I'm too ashamed to tell it to you. I am always afraid that I'm not good enough. Deep inside, it's the fear of losing you controlling my devastated mind.
*
Let's meet in Istanbul, shall we? :)
Oh wait, don't. We'd better save our money for our future, right.
*
Honey, the insecurity is getting real. It has lingered and got much stronger. I think way too far; this overthinking mind just can't be stopped. But I'm trying so hard not to hurt you anymore. I'm pretending that I will never care about your life anymore. I don't know if it is the right decision to make, but I am scared if my mind hurts you even more.
I fully understand that now I cannot force you to tell me whatever thing happens; with whom you're talking to, or with whom you're hanging out with. I respect your privacies, of course. I respect the way you carve your own path. Sorry that I accidentally went through your iCloud. It wasn't my mistake, after all. You linked it to my device. So whose fault? :p The girl looked ugly. You deserve better, always.
*
2017 has got me really hard. I have been so sure that it is time to leave you, although I really wished that you are my future. But I've been hurt so bad. I love you so that I hurt myself. I reject all the positivities entering my body by yelling and being mad at you, for no reason. This is way too crazy, I can't even handle myself. I don't know what is happening to me. Although I know that you still take care and love me, only I can't really accept it. I hope you are not scared of me, I hope that you will still take care of me. I am sorry for doing such uncontrollable things. I have hurt you :(
*
April 2017, a month after your birthday. I consciously miss it. I know yet I don't care. Hey Dear, please blame my insecurity and jealousy which are hurting me right now. I hate it. I hate to know that you are going out with heaven-knows who she is - it's ok to have a little dirty secret, my love. In the picture, you looked so beautiful and happy, of course with that loving smile. You know what, I always love your smile. Always do. Is she your new SO? You won't tell me, it's ok. Please understand that I don't bear to even look at your picture. It hurts me. I wish I could block you on Facebook.
*
Hey! It's July and I am in Paris! Yesterday, I watched Coldplay. I almost touched Chris Martin's hand! I just couldn't believe it. Babe, I love Coldplay as much as I love you. Coldplay sucks without you, for real.
Earlier this morning, I walked down the path in Paris. If you want to know, I love Paris so much. This is my favorite town ever. I love hearing the sandy path walk and I love seeing the Parisian guys as well haha. They are terribly good looking, I can't handle my eyes. Anyways, I pray that you will have time to come over with me. We can have a nice cup of tea, seating under the tower of Eiffel. Ah, one silly prayer last night was I wish you become a big boss of the company, so you can visit me more often. hahaha. Child of the capitalist.
But wait, who's the other girl that you're talking to? Saw it on Facebook. This time, I'm unfriending you for sure. Sorry.
*
Honey, we talked again and you were being so silly last night. You got lost in Japan. You were so hilarious, I laughed my ass off. You told me that it was my fault, although I did everything I could. I guess it was you who couldn't read maps. LOL.
I love you.
That's it.
*
Babe. Something unbelievably bad just happened to me. Some say that history repeats itself; it's true. The memories of my childhood trauma haven't even been healed, yet it happens again. With the exact same story plot. I was totally clueless. I was scared. I pretended that I enjoyed every single thing happening to me, in fact I did not. I am still scared. I need you, please defend me. Please protect me.
Babe. It happened early in the morning. Perhaps, it's midnight at your place. I reckon that you are back in Indo. Babe, I wanted to call you. But I know you won't have any good phone reception at your place. You won't receive my call at the time.
It added another layer to my stressed mind.
Babe, I have protected myself ever since I was a kid. Too many bad things happened to me. Too dark and too many. You want to know something? I remember the first time we dated. There were some small gentle gestures that you did to me as if you protected me from harm. From that point on, I felt so happy and was so sure that you could give me protection. You are healer to my traumas.
Now I cry so bad that I wet my winter scarf. I am currently on a bus on my trip to Berlin. I need you so bad right now.
*
March 2018. It's your birthday. I don't want to greet you because I'm that bad and that terrible. You know it? Unlove me please. I'm mean. Totally mean.
*
Mid 2018, you totally stopped contacting me. I am so happy, but sad at the same time. I always hope it's you when my phone rings, but it isn't you. Do you really have a new life? How does it look like? I hope the girl doesn't hurt you like I do. You know what? I miss the old you, dear. I miss when you made me the prettiest; I miss the way you convinced me that I was the only one; I miss when you told me that you really wanted to cry and needed me so bad; I miss the way you told me every single thing, even when a girl who had crush on you:p ; I miss the way we talked and shared each other dream; I miss when you told me that you would never let me go, ever. It was so shooting and relieving. You are really my sunshine to my winter.
By the way, dear, I have tried to move on. I really did. So hard. Too hard, that I almost hurt myself. I regret telling you to stay away, but I know it's for our own sake. You deserve someone special, better than me. A person who never fails you or puts you down like I always do. You deserve to fly high, higher than anybody else who ever underestimated you, higher and further than your successful friends. You have your bright future even if it is without me. Because I believe in you, as I always do. My prayer is always for you, ever since I met you.
Don't you worry about me. I am focusing on my thesis at the time. I am being fully distracted with all the journals and books. I am glad, actually, that my old me is back. The one who is strong and never wanting to give up; the old me who doesn't want to stop learning. I am glad that I make it this far. Thank you.
*
I hope you are doing fine out there. I can't hold my tears on this lonely night. I miss you.
I believe in you babe. You will outshine. My prayers are always for you. Don't worry.
*
Babe, I have an anxiety attack. It's midnight. I can't talk. Nothing comes out, not a single voice. No, it's not because of you. You've done me so well. It's just my mind wanders way too far. I am worried about my future, babe. I am worried how if I fail my study; how if I dissatisfy my parents; how if I can never be normal again. What do I have to do? Why can't I hear my own voice? I tried to scream but there's no sound. Help!
*
Anyways dear, I'm doing fine.
I tried to look for somebody else. I tried too hard so that I'm convinced no one is like you. I value every single time we had. You turned me into a better adult. Please forgive me. (I can always Whatsapp or Facebook you this, but I just don't want to hurt myself even more)
My prayer tonight is expecting you to be healthy and happy. I want you to ease your own pain and not to be worried about the future. It's all gonna be so well. I believe in you.
*
Dear, I met a very nice guy on a trip. We exchanged phone numbers. He's a sociologist (working on his doctoral) but is really interested in veterinary. Weird, isn't it? We talked until I almost missed my stop, but don't worry I got it haha. He's mature and loves his family. Just like you, right? I want to know him even more because he is so nice. So don't ever be worried about me. I can handle it well, I guess.
*
"How to undelete phone contact?" - my recent google search. I am a fool. I wasn't supposed to delete the German guy. I was supposed to delete the other annoying Indonesian who was stalking me all day long.
Anyway, how are you today? Last night, I saw you on my dream. Even in my dream, I pray for you. I want you to be successful, because I believe in you. I believe you are stronger now to fight all of dramas constraining you from building a better future.
*
My love, please improve your English. I hate it when you can't really differentiate past and present verbs. But it's nice to know that you now speak Vietnamese too, so proud of you babe. Just so you know that I really pray for you every single night, every single day, every single time I remember you. I guess my prayers are heard. I know that you're doing totally fine out there. I know that you're having so much fun. Even I know that you built your parents' house. SO COOL!
I just want to tell you that I still love you. I wish telling you my feeling in person was easy, as easy as it used to be.
*
Hi babe. How are you? You must be doing so good. Last night I pray for you. I really want you to be happy and enjoying your time. I want you to have so much fun and don't feel lonely and left out. I want you to have much money, as much as you can.
Today I submitted my thesis. I don't tell you, because I don't want you to know; in fact, I'm just gonna ruin everything that you have built so far. Every time we talk, the only thing that I want to ask is who is your girlfriend, did you get drunk, or have you forgot about me. And if you say yes to it all, I will constantly hurt myself. I hate it.
Although we don't talk anymore, I dedicate my thesis to you. On the very front page, I write:
"for Parents, Sisters, and Best Friends"
The only best friends that come to my mind are you and my two other supporting girls.
*
August 2018. You forgot about my birthday. It's my karma.
I will have my exam this month, please give me good karma. Pray for me, dear.
*
September 2018. I'm coming back to Indonesia. I'm doing fine.
I hope we won't meet at the airport. I hope.
*
November 2018. I miss you so bad.
Oh by the way, forgot to mention. Since last year, you always came to my dream. Every single night. Isn't it annoying? You seem so close, but I can't reach you. You look so pretty but it's blurry. I can't feel your warmth anymore.
But today, you fly me to the moon babe. I really want to hear your voice and you message me. Really, it's the happiest time of the year. I want you to marry me and that's all. Please be aware.
*
December 2018. I regret responding to your messages. I am too selfish. I am sorry. Please forgive me, my beautiful soul. I'm deleting Whatsapp, Facebook messanger, your emails, linkedin, and whatever it is.
I know I'm gonna feel lonely, but the only way to heal it is to remember you in my prayers. It's the only way to calm my nerves and ease my burden. Because God will always hear me and I believe He will protect you.
*
My dear love,
You are no longer mine. You are a free bird now. You won't have my anger anymore. You won't feel so stressed about me asking you to tell me your daily agenda.
But dear, you will always have my prayer. It's the only thing I can do to ease my pain. I miss you so badly.
I pray every single time for you, nothing but happiness and good health for you. Always be the light to your family. They love you; they are your true love as they won't ever hurt you like I do.
The hate that I love you so so much that it is hard to handle; it hurts me so bad.
*
Dear,
I want to have a happy family. I want to live together with a person that I love, as much as I love you, and I want him to love me back, as much as you love me. Nothing is so beautiful than your stories and your laughs.
*
Babe,
If I have time to be with you again, I do really want it. Please forgive me for being so naive and neglecting all your scarification.
I will pay anything to be with you again. I want to spend the rest of my life seeing you. I want to be ugly with you. I want to stick with you. I promise myself to fix whatever hurting you.
Believe me, nothing is wrong with you, it's just me. Do you want to know the truth? You have never been wrong. Never.
I've felt so lonely and left out. I am depressed. Sometimes, I need people to hear me. But the only good listener is you. and now you are far away. Thus, I know the only way to get your attention is by making a fuss. By crying and blaming you on everything. I am sorry. truly sorry.
It's never been your fault. It's mine.
Believe me, babe. You have never been wrong. I am just nuts; it's me who makes you feel that way. I carve for too much attention from you so that I act like an annoying kid. I know that makes you feel so bad.
My mind is hurting you and me. You are unbelievably pretty. Your hug is the warmest. Your voice is shooting.
2018 is closing its story, I still can do nothing but pray for your success. Please be happy.
Love you, always do,
Icha.
